The little things in life...

You looked gorgeous! Love the dress!

Thanks!

As happy as I am that it’s going to be a beautiful 3 day weekend, I can’t help, but be reminded that it was this weekend last year that my dad went into the hospital.  He wasn’t admitted, but felt terrible enough to go to the ER.  No one told me about this until Monday and it was then on the next Tuesday that I got a call from my dad’s coworker telling how bad he looked and felt.  His exact words were “he looks like he should be in hospice.”  Little did I know that by that time the next month that was where he would be and that that Tuesday morning would start the hardest 2 months of my life.

I went up the next morning (Wednesday) for his oncologist appointment, but got stuck in traffic and had to talk to the PA on the phone.  Dad had taken a break from Chemo about 6 weeks earlier and was going to get a scan at 8 weeks to see if it had spread more.  His last round of Chemo had really taken a toll on him and we thought that he would feel better sans the chemo side effects.  The main one being that he had no appetite.  But that did not get better being off chemo.  My once 200+lb dad was now a buck 20, if that.  The PA told me that he was too weak to start chemo back and to even run a scan.  She assumed by his blood work that his liver was probably more cancer than liver.  She said the only thing they could do, and it was a long shot that it would help, was put him in the hospital with IV Nutrients (TPN) and hope that he could get some strength back to start treatment again.  It took me a long time to realize that they already knew he wouldn’t be having anymore treatment and that all of that was done mainly for us.  I am still uneasy about the little bit of information that was given to us and not the reality of it.  Hell, my dad never even heard the term Stage 4 cancer until his last visit to Duke in March and I had to straight up ask the doctor for it.  I think that is when it really hit him.  I pushed it aside though and decided that he was strong enough to fight it, God the blinders I had on.  Because of this I think the whole situation was such a shock to me.  

Me and J had a babymoon weekend planned up at Lake Lure that  next weekend, because I was 8 months pregnant through all of this.  Both my brothers dropped everything and came to NC that Thursday after his appointment. We did not put him in the hospital Wednesday, they game him a shot to see if it would help him and he was to go back to the doctor on Friday.  With my brothers on site I reluctantly went on our trip Friday morning.  I was only an hour away from my parents so I felt like I could get there quickly if need be.  Well that was probably the stupidest decision I could have made.  At my dad’s follow up appointment they decided they would admit him the next day, Saturday.  Therefore I spent the whole evening we were there crying and wanting to be with my family.  We packed up Saturday morning and headed to my parents and would start the 6 week long roller coaster of his death.

The next month is a blur.  I know he was in the hospital for a week or so and then I had to be the one to tell him he was going to hospice.  He was so in and out each day that I didn’t know if he understood what that really meant.  He requested to go to work almost everyday.  It was the Friday before Father’s Day that he was admitted to Hospice.  I insisted the nurses provide him with Oxygen because he would lose most Oxygen when he would stand up to go to the bathroom. Guess who hadn’t excepted it yet, this girl.  That was one of the hardest things to watch.  He couldn’t even get himself up and use the bathroom by himself and apparently he was having issues with getting off the toilet seat for weeks.  No one told us. His last best day was Saturday before Father’s Day.  He was aware, talking and even humored us by eating a couple pieces of a calzone.  Because to us, if he could eat, he would make it, but I think he knew he couldn’t do that.  We made sure the doctor explained to him why he was there and what was going to happen, because we couldn’t.  He said he did with a tear and never brought it up again.  No one did.  Father’s Day was his second to last good day, because by Wednesday he wasn’t making a whole lot of sense and by Friday we were being told that he only had hours to live.  

We all rushed up to Hickory, my mom got a priest to baptize and read him his last rights, and then he woke up.  Mom told him what she had done and he was pissed, ha.  My mom of course going out with a bang.  We had canceled my baby shower that was the next morning in Greensboro so we had a mini one that morning with PJs and D&D coffee.  Thats how things go sometimes.  We made the 1.5 hour drive many times that week, cause I did have a job I was being paid for.  But he was pretty much gone after that weekend.  The last time I heard him talk was the friday they called us all in, a week before he actually did pass.  My brother Dan had gone home and my other brother took a break down in Hilton Head for July 4th weekend.  July 2nd was when we got the phone call again.  They said it could be an hour, or it could be 5, they weren’t sure, but they said it was going to happen. I, being the only sibling near went and spent the night with my mom at my father’s bedside.  I did not want to see him pass, I didn’t want to have that in my mind forever.  His breathing was so shallow with long breaks.  Mom wanted to stay the night so we did, her in his room, me on a couch in a common area.  I woke up to the passing of another patient, come to find out she was only 44.  It was 6am and he was still breathing so we decided to go home and actually get some sleep.  My head hadn’t hit the pillow when my phone rang.  They said that it could be minutes if we wanted to come back up.  I made the tough decision that I didn’t want to watch it and mom agreed.  He was obviously waiting for us to leave, or at least that is what I like to think.  The nurse assured me that they all would be by his side, that they never let anyone go alone.  And I can’t thank them enough for doing that.  How they do it everyday I have no idea.  20 minutes later, around 7am on July 3rd 2011, I got the call.  

I really can’t believe it has been a year.  I don’t think I would have been able to handle it with so much Grace if it wasn’t for Davis.  As tough as going through the emotions, stress and physical strain while so pregnant, I think it was the best blessing in the world.  

I know that time heals all wounds and it is a lot easier to cope with 11 months later, but this time of the year, Memorial Day to July 4th, I will always have a heavy heart.   

Thanks for this opportunity to quote.

 Enjoy your weekend !

Dick

I will never understand why someone chooses to be called Dick.

When ever babies are born it makes me want to birth a baby.  Nothing gives me more baby fever than having pregnant friends or stalking pregnant people on Facebook.  But I just keep having to remind myself that after all the fun and excitement, fun being a fully functioning epidural, there is a tiny, scarey, crying human you have to keep alive. 

So with that thought, I will be picking up my monthly prescription of BC on my way home from work today. 

Its no secret to those who know me IRL that I read lots of blogs. Other peoples lives are just way more interesting than my own. This is also my way of learning new things. Hey now, it doesn’t matter what I’m learning, at least I’m learning.

These said blogs always give me great home and life ideas. They make me motivated to better different things in my life. Then, I go to bed and I dream about these great things, I then wake up and go about my real life.

Over the last few years I’ve racked up a long list of things we need/want to do to our house, but of course we have put off because of time, MONEY,and lack of decision making. As I lay in bed,my typical time of thinking of all things I want/need, I write here that I REALLY want to start making decisions and crossing things off of our to do list. With expensive daycare costs in our future and maybe doubling those in coming years, leaving this house seems like a pipe dream for now, so we really need to make this space work for our current and growing needs. We have one big decision to make and that is whether to partially or totally remove the wall that separates our two living spaces. There are many pros and cons to weigh and also lay out ideas to consider. I think once we figure this out then we can can move forward in other parts of the house and get closer to a more functional home.

If only someone from HGTV would come and tell me what to do, because my husband might kill me for not being able to make a decision.